It is time

aah, my friends, it is nearly time. It is right. Toni has been leaving me clues too - little mementoes of our time together - notes, tokens, symbols, explanations, connections. This morning she left a little doll, its chest neatly sewn with red thread - a beating heart inside. I have it with me now - I can feel its syncopation, its comforting constant music.

I have been laying the final trail - candles, trinkets, arrows carved from driftwood - that will lead her to me. Tonight I will complete it - lay and light the last two candles nearest to her door - go back to my boat, and wait...

Pushing the envelope

Toni is here. I have been watching her for a few days now, from my beautiful vantage point out on my beautiful boat. I can see all the life of the village from here, but nobody knows I'm watching. When I first saw her my heart turned over - I wanted to rush straight to her - but I need to know if I can trust her. So I am biding my time. Yesterday morning she was so close I could almost touch her - eating a fisherman's breakfast outside the fisherman's cafe as the fishermen gathered. She looked so vulnerable, so small - I wanted to take her in my arms, tell her everything would be alright.

I am leaving her clues. I have found where she is staying, and as she ate her hearty morning meal I slipped past without being seen, pushed the bulky envelope through the door. I don't know what it contains. I don't know if she will notice the initials I have written on the bottom right hand corner, the little heart pierced with a broken arrow...

Floating still

I go out in the boat

I float

I come back to land

I breathe with the waves

I am alone, beautifully alone

I am the waves

I am the sea

I am me

Floating

I've gone so far out of myself that I've come full circle. I feel alive again, strong, more complete than I've felt in my whole life. I've survived. I'm a survivor - not just a dull ordinary bloke from a dull ordinary town. I'm Jez. The J-Meister. I'm me.

And Ii've almost come full circle in my wanderings, my following-my-nose, my putting-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other. I recognise this place. Its not far from where i set out. Not far from Jemima's. Not far from Toni. I know she's back. It scares me, but I'm strong now. I can do anything.

Just before I got here I found AP too. Almost stepped on him as I was wandering along in my own little world. He didn't say much - seemed in his own world too. I thought he might know where we were, but he knew even less than me. He gave me something to give to Toni. A big fat envelope. I didn;t want to take it. Didn't want that link with her - but also wanted it like crazy. I took it and I left him there. That seemed to be what he wanted.

I'm not going back yet. Not ready to close the circle. I'm staying in a little fishing village - the next village along from Jemima's. There's a guy here who goes out most days in his fishing boat - says I can come along with him. If I prove useful, he might even pay me (hopefully in something more than fish). I can sleep on the boat at night, in the harbour. The envelope is safe for now in the bottom of my rucksack. Maybe it will stay there. Maybe it will find its way out to sea...

Still moving...

I haven't found it - the lake place. I keep asking people and they say its not far (that's the ones that actually give me an answer, rather than staring at me blankly or looking straight through me, like I'm dirt) - they say its just a bit further up that road, along that track, round the next corner. But I keep not getting there. The road goes on and on, the track ends in a blur of brambles, the next corner reveals nothing. I've been eating out of bins (god, what have I come to?) . One night when I was curled up in some bushes this old lady found me - she took me home, let me get cleaned up, fed me real food. She was so kind. I could hardly speak. I seem to have lost the power of conversation, I;ve slipped so far out of myself. I grunted my thanks - hoped she could see it in my eyes. She might have wanted me to stay there, but I slipped out from the cool soft sheets of her son's bed early the next morning, really early, and was gone up the road before she could get coffee on the boil and make me not want to leave. I have to keep moving - I don't really know why. Its this strange pull - towards something that feels like home calling me, but it isn't England. It isn't Tim and my mother and a decent cup of tea. Its something more primeval, like the memory of smoke.

Toni has suddenly entered my dreams. She seems so real in them, I've woken up calling her name, expecting to find her there beside me. Maybe this would all make more sense somehow if she was. But I know she's thousands of miles away from me - in body, in heart, in mind. I have to stop thinking about her. Think about anything else. Anything.

To the lake

Toni thinks I'm back in England, but I'm not. I've let her think that - told her so in emails - it felt too dangerous to tell her the truth. Maybe I'm just getting paranoid. Am I getting paranoid, dear reader? Are you still out there? Are you reading me? I need to know. Need to know i'm not going mad. I saved up coins for a few days (found some on the street too) and rang Tim, just to check that I was still alive - still real, and not dreaming all this. His voice was just the same - it was so great to hear it - he said everything back home is just as I left it. Nothings changed (except that all the cars have little England flags flying from their back windows - football or something, he said) - it was so good to hear. Good old England. Good old stupid grey dull and never changing England. God I miss it.

I've been making my way gradually north (I think) - hitching, walking, sleeping rough sometimes. The beach is a good place to sleep - I've hooked up with some good people along the way - building big fires, sharing what food we have. I'm almost out of money. I feel stripped away - the last few vestiges of my old life, my life before, my identity are all leaving me. I am lighter, thinner, freer than I've ever been in my whole life. I almost feel like I could step off the ground and fly, like a lost balloon- high high into the air - coming to land in some far off country - or maybe not coming to land at all...

I've heard there's a good place not far from here - with a big lake and trees and kind people - a place I could stay and maybe get some work - get some money - some proper food - clean clothes - a shower. I'm going to keep going till I find it - keep putting one foot in front of the other

Gone

I'll have to be quick, dear reader. I'm having to pay for this internet connection, and I need to save what little cash I've got left.

I've done it, I've got away. It was really starting to feel that bad - like I needed to escape. I felt like Toni was watching my every move, checking everything I did - quizzing me about who I'd spoken to in the guesthouse, out in the street. Every night she would sit up late poring over sheets of numbers and funny squiggles. If i tried to distract her or something, she'd snap my head off - even if I flashed my puppy eyes at her or gave her my best come-to-bed smile, it wouldn't work. Some days she'd brighten up, her eyes shining, and be all attentive and nice with me - but I think that was just the days when she'd managed to work something out - get her code-breaking fix, or whatever the hell it is.

Last night it just all got too much. She didn't come home and I had no idea where she was. I couldn't sleep - kept tossing and turning - slipping in and out of more wierd and scary dreams (there are bears now too - bears dressed as people, people dressed as gorillas, giant children with wild staring eyes and horrible mocking laughter). God, enough of that... Anyway, I just got up out of bed, threw my stuff in my bag and set off. I left a note for Toni - can't even remember what I put on it now. Something garbled about needing some space I think. I walked out of town and up on to the main road - managed to get a lift from the first truck that went past. And now I'm somewhere else - don't even know where. The trucker dropped me here - said it had good coffee. Its just a big shack really - but at least I can get somethign to eat and get this message out. Don't know where I'm going to go next. I couldn't find my passport when I left. I hope to god Toni hasn't done something stupid with it.

Toni, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I know you'll be upset, but I didn't know what else to do. Please look after yourself. Whatever you're getting into, and I don;t want to know what it is - think about it. Think about it before it's too late. Remember what happened with the gambling. That felt good for awhile but look where it led. You're too wonderful a person to get messed up in something bad - don't lose yourself again. I care about you. I really do.

Please don't try to follow me.